Uni Fees: Deregulation & The Faecal Fling
The Abbott government has created a sh storm of protest over university funding and student fees.
Now, you know it’s serious when Alan Jones pipes up with excellent suggestions for Christopher Pyne: Oh, such as “[T]he federal police should be “… carting these thugs away and locking them up”. Honestly, cart them away? Students who protested peacefully, mostly peacefully, a little bit peacefully; need to be locked up? Where? What’s worse than being a poor student, locked in your smelly room with four million textbooks to read. For a weekend! Without food. Well with some food that you found under the cushions of your pull-out sofa bed.
Jonesy (UQ and Oxford Scholar) went on (he does that) “that left-wing radical students were behind the Boston Marathon bombings and that Australia should reconsider its intake of foreign university students in response”. It’s a long way from here to Boston, but okay Jonesy, you might be onto something here. Less students equals less HECS debt. What? Really? Oh Okay. Ah, it turns out that they actually pay all of their fees up front, Master. A bit of liquid capital for the uni to pay for such extravagances like wages, maintenance, turn the lights on!
But, Jonesy once taught students. In a classroom. And privately. Taught them to play ruggers. I reckon he must have been bloody terrifying during his years holding his discipline rod. Yes, Jonesy knows a thing or two, right. He must. Everybody adores him. They listen to him. Soak up his pearls of freely given wisdom. He has the ear of the nation. Or Sydney. Or a small part of Sydney. A really small part of older Sydney. He really is pretty loud for someone without much influence. Melbourne has Bolt, we have Jonesy (and Hadley) What did we do wrong?.
Pyne and pal went on (and on, remember I warned you, here’s the transcript from Pynes office. Riveting). We have a HECS debt of $30b in Australia, according to Jonesy (Pyne agreed). Ah, no we don’t. it’s actually $19b for 2013/14 ($22b 2014/15). Master was referring to a projection (we know how accurate they are, right Joe of the Budget Emergency) in the FY 2015/16 it will be $30b.
Fear not, friends, for I have a cunning plan. This ought to knock the wind out of the sails of the HMS Blow Hards, and maybe even help the budget bottom line…
University was free from 1 January 1974 to 1 January 1989. Fifteen glorious years of free love and free tuition. From 1989 until 1996, uni cost students $1800. At the expense of Jonesy’s poor taxpayers who’ve rolled up their sleeves and gone to work, and haven’t the time to protest, because they’re funding these people. He means their children. By the way, Jonesy, most of these sleeve rolled up taxpayers are parents wanting a better life for their thugs. I mean children. You know, like your life, Jonesy, but with less of the snobbery and feigned holier-than-thou diatribe you dribble.
Anyway, here’s my cunning plan: Let’s charge all of the older thugs who hit the walls and the books in the sandstone blocks between 1974 and 1996 a HECS fee. Okay we can knock $1800 of for the 89’ers, but to the free loving, free loaders from the class of ’74 onwards: we want our money. When do we want it: NOW! Oh, and we’re having it adjusted for inflation, and with interest. Free-loaders! We will take a bank cheque (no personal cheques), credit card (2.5% surcharge Visa and MC, 6% for Amex and no, we don’t take Diners, nobody does!), or you can pay in cash (I’ll meet you at Central Station, hundreds, non sequential in a bag).
I reckon at the current rate that the HECS debt is piling on to the total, that is $2b a year (give or take), we’ll recoup $44b… (I’ve decided against waiving the $1800. Stuff ’em). Expect a letter from the ATO!
I should be treasurer 🙂
Credit where credit’s due:
Ladies and gentlemen, while you’re on your feet, let’s hear it for:
The sparkling uni pic thanks to the Colt Group (it was an open share but what the hell, kudos for being cool) HERE
The most attractive picture of the Parrot goes to The Fin (Australian Financial Review) right HERE
Albo & Winky pic care of Aunty (ABC RN) right HERE